Raising a Toddler on Berries and Bacon

At this point, I’m fairly confident my toddler believes there are exactly two food groups: berries and bacon. Everything else is either suspicious, offensive, or something to be gently chewed and then secretly deposited behind the couch, or fed to the dog.

We used to sit down for meals like a normal family. Plates were served. Forks were offered. Hope existed.
Now? We spend most of the day following a tiny human around the house like a low-budget nature documentary narrator, whispering, “Just one bite… please… .”

Meals are no longer stationary events. They are mobile operations.

He eats while running. While climbing. While crouched behind a coffee table like he’s hiding from predators. If I want him to consume anything resembling protein that isn’t bacon, I must time my approach perfectly — too fast and he flees, too slow and the mouth clamps shut like a bank vault.

Berries, however, are sacred.
Drop a blueberry on the floor and he’ll find it within seconds, like a truffle pig with a mortgage-free lifestyle. But place a balanced meal in front of him? Suddenly he’s full. Emotionally. Spiritually. Forever.

And bacon? Bacon is king. Bacon is trustworthy. Bacon has never betrayed him the way steamed vegetables clearly have. If bacon were a religion, my toddler would be its most devoted follower — greasy fingers raised in worship.

Meanwhile, I’m left playing the role of Food Negotiator, offering deals no adult should ever have to make.
“One bite and then you can leave.”
“Two bites and I’ll stop following you.”
“Please, I’ll pretend this never happened.”

Some days he eats like a growing child. Other days he survives on three strawberries, a strip of bacon, and pure chaos. And somehow… he’s thriving.

So if you see me pacing the house with a fork, gently stalking a small berry-stained child, just know this:
I’m not chasing him.
I’m working a full-time job in toddler food services.

And yes — the benefits are terrible.